New Year’s Resolutions: Delusional Wannabes


My gym membership card WHICH I USE ON A REGULAR BASIS!!!!!

Are you unable to find an open tread mill at the gym? Is that healthy organic fruit juice that you’ve been getting from Whole Foods sold out at your local grocer? It must be that dreaded time when the masses are obsessed with the idea that a new year makes them a new person. We’ve all seen the plethora of “new year, new me” Instagram posts. But how long does it last? I give it two weeks… tops.


As someone who frequently goes to the gym (all year round… lookin’ at you, January athletes!), it’s frustrating to watch all these delusional people try to get their bikini bodies while I’ve had mine all year. Get your sweat off my treadmill, Janice! And don’t get your workout shorts in the juniors section–we know you turn fifty this year!


But okay, let’s say we’re being all nice and allowing Janice to use the real gym-goers’ equipment… why wait until the new year? The new year is merely an excuse people use to gorge themselves on leftover Christmas cookies on December 31st as they get champagne-drunk with the neighborhood moms.


According to The Business Insider, “80% of New Year’s resolutions fail by February.” If we’re getting all gushy, blah blah blah, the main point is: if you see a flaw in yourself that you want to change, why wait until January 1st? Take the initiative. Take a zen day to focus on yourself and your needs, and adjust to how you feel you can do better. Don’t be part of the 80%, be your own statistic.